Resolving Conflict With College Roommates
College Roommate Conflict Can be Resolved With the Right Approach
Jul 16, 2009
Students from all different backgrounds come to college. Some are organized and focused on doing well in their classes, while others are more focused on socializing and having fun. There is also variation in sleeping and eating habits, personality traits and values.
These differences can lead to conflict and most students would prefer to resolve that conflict as it creates tension in the small living spaces shared by two or more people.
What Will Resolve the Conflict?
Just talking about what is causing the conflict does not resolve it. In fact, it could make it worse. Before starting the conversation about what is causing problems be clear about what is wanted or needed to reduce or resolve the conflict.
For example, asking that a roommate not bring friends over during the week nights after 10 p.m. is very clear and makes it easier to negotiate times both roommates can agree with.
One Conflict at a Time
Often there is more than one issue bothering roommates, but if all the issues are brought up at the same time it will be overwhelming. Determine which issue is most important and address it. After it has been addressed (and hopefully resolved), then go to the next issue.
Keep it Between Roommates
It can be tempting to bring others into the conflict: Resident Assistants, friends, even parents, but that usually backfires. Roommates need to address the conflict and problems first, then if no solution can be found get a third party involved.
Inflammatory Language
Issues that create conflict may be very sensitive, so when attempting to resolve the problem be aware of the language used. Words like never or always usually get a negative reaction. Avoid blaming, name calling or put downs.
Talk, Do Not Write
It sometimes feels easier to write or text roommates instead of directing talking to them. However, this approach seldom results in getting the conflict resolved. Written words can be easily misinterpreted or ignored.
If directly talking to each, other roommates have a better chance to avoid misunderstandings and to ask or answer questions.
Timing is Everything
Bringing up differences and problems is most effective if done during a time when all involved can listen and be attentive. Do not bring issues or problems when roommates are drinking, tired, or preoccupied with other issues.
Ignoring the Problem
There are times roommates hesitate to bring up issues or problems hoping that they will go away without doing anything. This magical thinking approach rarely works and may increase resentment and anger for all involved.
Conflict is a normal part of life and offers the opportunity in any relationship to strengthen and deepen the connection between people. College is a time of building relationships and a great time to learn how to resolve conflict.
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